We returned to the familiar waiting room of the mental health clinic… and I noticed the mild grey, white and blue colours as if seeing the room for the first time.

My case manager is always grinding on my nerves and feels like a lot of work to tolerate… but I can handle her in small doses. After all, I am getting free mental health support from the government – who am I to complain?

Today I have been practising beginner’s mind. It’s part of the framework I have been developing… my “operating system”.

Beginner’s mind is where you cultivate an open-minded curiosity about your experience… and you let go of expectations and see each moment as like a child seeing something for the first time.

It feels… alive… wonderous.

Incidentally, I discovered a newfound sexual attraction for women… but almost as soon as I felt my desire be born again like a teenager… I felt rejected… by the receptionist.

It feels a rude awakening that dating is like some big machine… and the fun and magic has been squeezed out of it.

Men must make the first move… but to mentally prepare oneself to make the first move feels like being constantly either rejected or validated.

When you feel sure about yourself, you get rejected and humbled… when you feel frustrated, you get uplifted by validation.

Opening yourself up to approaching a woman is opening yourself up to a constant cycle of pleasure and pain, and it’s frustrating.

It seems that the best option is to go overseas to find a wife… and this morning has reminded me why that’s been my plan all along.